Why We Judge Others—and What It Costs Us

Do you ever catch yourself rolling your eyes at what someone does—or shaking your head at their choices or the way they live?   Thinking or saying such things as,

“You’re doing it all wrong.”   “He talks too much.”   “They’re far too indulgent with their children.”

These gratuitous, self-righteous type of judgments are really none of our business. They carry a certain know-it-all quality—the assumption that we know better than the people we judge.

Yet we rarely know the full story. We may not understand or be aware of the experiences, pressures, fears, or circumstances shaping another person’s behavior and decisions. Nor do we always recognize the biases and prejudices influencing our own opinions.

Judgment can come at a cost. It can create resentment, push people away, and divert us from making better choices for ourselves. Instead of changing minds or behavior, criticism often puts people on the defensive and causes them to cling even more tightly to their views.

In many respects, judging is a diversionary tactic. It is easier to focus on someone else’s shortcomings than to take an honest look at our own choices, habits, and areas for growth.

In short, no good comes from it!

As a controller by nature, overcoming the judgment barrier has been an ongoing challenge for me. The habit is so deeply ingrained that much of the time I am not even aware I’m judging.

Judgment takes many forms—some obvious, others subtle. Criticizing, admonishing, shaming, being smug, dismissive, or sarcastic are common examples. Sneers, snide smiles, and other body language convey judgment, too. I’ve done them all.

The troubling part is that many of my judgments have proved to be dead wrong!

During my first year of law school, I harshly judged a classmate while we waited for the instructor to arrive. The classroom desks rose in tiers toward the back. Suddenly, this classmate jumped onto his desk and boldly walked across the tops of the desks to the front of the room.

Most of the class laughed. Not me. I was angry. “What a jerk,” I thought. “All he wants is attention.” After that, I wanted nothing to do with him.

Five years after we graduated, that “jerk” became one of my most trusted friends—and later the best man at my wedding.

He did continue to attract attention, but for far better reasons than I had imagined. He selflessly served as the Public Defender of Los Angeles County for more than fifteen years, supervising over 700 attorneys, and became widely recognized for helping reform California’s and the nation’s criminal justice systems.

So, yes, I misjudged him. And the irony is not lost on me: his last name was Judge. I miss Mike dearly.

Why, then, do I continue to judge so much? What is my motive? Does it make me feel better or superior? Perhaps for a moment, but it is also a sure sign of my lack of humility. Do I believe my judgments will change or help someone? Sometimes I do—but they rarely help, if at all. And no one has ever thanked me for judging them, that’s for sure!

I have also come to see that judging another person may point to an insecurity or shortcoming in myself. At law school, I was reserved and even shy. Perhaps seeing someone act so boldly, freely, and publicly brought my own insecurities into sharper focus.

Above all, judging less requires greater acceptance. When we accept people and circumstances as they are, we feel less need to criticize, control, or change them.

Let’s begin today by letting go of judgment.

Below are some inquiries and reflections from the chapter on judging in my most recent book, The Way of the Wave: Nature’s Model for Navigating Life’s Currents.

Inquiries and Reflections

• Make note of your judgments for a day—or even half a day. Be sure to include the silent ones you keep to yourself.
• What feelings or beliefs lie behind your judgments? Do those judgments serve any useful purpose?
• How often do you judge yourself? What do you gain from it? Are they the same kinds of things for which you judge others?
• How do you feel when you are judged?

In the meantime,

Let It Go—and Accept “What Is!”

Danny

*Because of the subject’s importance in healing relationships, this is an updated version of a previous post on the subject.

**If you enjoyed this post, I invite you to share your views on judgement in the comments and please share it with others.