Are you or your loved one a love controller? If so, this can be very hard on the relationship. Love control obstructs the romantic flow. It forces the action, rather than allowing the love currents to unfold naturally so that people can relax and just be themselves—and offer their love and kindness without pressure or expectations.
Simply put, most people don’t like being told what to do, how to be, or how to act in matters of the heart. Do you?
And yet, if you were to ask a friend or your love one if they considered themselves a love controller, my guess is that they would likely say no. Are you a love controller? Let’s find out. Take the Love Control Test from my book, Losing Control, Finding Serenity: How the Need to Control Hurts Us and How To Let It Go.
The Love Control Test
Ask yourself the following:
Do I usually feel I know what’s best for my partner?
Do I charm or pout or withdraw to get my way?
Am I often impatient with him or her?
Do I try to solve his or her problems?
Am I quick to point out my partner’s shortcomings?
Do I expect my partner to do what I want?
Do I look to the other person for my own happiness?
Am I overly concerned that my partner will not be able to resolve his or her personal issues?
Am I judgmental of him or her (be honest now!)?
If you answered “Yes” to these questions, this indicates that you are trying to control the relationship.
Now answer these questions:
Do I listen attentively to my partner’s concerns without trying to solve them?
Am I patient with his or her struggles?
Am I willing to let my partner plan our vacations?
Do I play a part in my love conflicts?
Do I accept my partner’s annoying habits?
If you answered “Yes” to these questions, this indicates that you are not trying to control the relationship.
Is your loved one a love controller? If so, please share with me the ways in which he or she tries to control your relationship.
In the meantime, remember to
Let It Go–and Accept “What Is”!
Danny
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4 Comments
Rob Bennett
Today a 22 year old told this 73 year old about the book (Losing Control…) I read the opening chapter. I suppose I can benefit from reading more. I always believed control was good. I was pleased with myself. Today I wonder why I am unable to be effective. I wonder if I am pushing persons away instead of winning them over to my cause. I also wonder if/how old dogs learn new tricks. I do not like this.
Daniel A. Miller
Thanks for your comments, Rob. I’m only one year younger than you and I do believe old dogs can learn new tricks—I did–if they keep an open mind and make the commitment to change controlling ways that no longer work for them. I don’t believe control is bad per se, but EXCESSIVE CONTROL usually is, particularly if we are not willing to accept people as they are. Perhaps you’re trying too much to win people over to your cause. Let it go and see what happens!
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